When I was 13, our biology teacher told us about sex. There was a banana, a condom, an anatomy mannequin and some mention of intercourse. Sex was presented as a kind of clinical act. I sat there, straightfaced, because it all seemed so unreal. There was some giggling and I giggled too. I got a bit nervous, because it felt so strange what was happening there.
When later that year I received my first deep kiss, it dawned on me that sex wasn’t clinical or neutral at all. It stirred up everything!
Some people talk about sex as ‘a great meal’. That seems nice, but it also lacks fire – it doesn’t sound very alive to me. Most of my friends who used to talk like that haven’t been doing it for a long time now and are fretting about their diets or other worries.
The impact of sex on your biography
Last summer, during a retreat, we explored to what extent sex had influenced the course of our lives, in the sense of our real life story, not just our résumé. Eighty people traced back their life choices and discovered the hidden connections. Sexuality not only turned out to determine relationships, but also choice of profession, long travels, moving house, change of jobs and major decisions in the realm of work and spirituality.
When you go beyond shame and take an honest look at the impact of sex (or the absence of it) on your life, you start to see what a key role that life force is playing. Sex is all about deep connection, about your creative powers and your life’s fulfilment – or the lack of it.
A client of mine one day revealed to his wife that in all their sexless years, he had once visited a gay bar, just to see how he would react to it. They belonged to an older generation and even though he had never gone back, he had felt guilty about it for years. It had taken a lot of courage to confess. He told me that his wife saw him as dirty from then on and had never again even given him a kiss. And so they spent their days together, he feeling gloomy and she feeling resentful. They remained together because they were used to each other, but their love had turned sour. It was so painful and I realized: Sex is anything but neutral. It goes much deeper than sexual problems, it touches us in our core.
Caressing as a practice
Many sexologists never touch that core. If the woman doesn’t get wet any more, or the man doesn’t get hard, they get caressing exercises as homework, while the underlying pain is skipped over. The shame remains, the frustration festers on, the subdued anger is suppressed even further. Then caressing just won’t do it.
Sexuality as life vitality
In my practice I work from a vision of sex that is anything but neutral. Sex is about your senses, about pleasure, about showing yourself in all your pain, sorrow and fear, with all your desires, fantasies and greatness. It starts with the courage to reveal yourself erotically to another person. We will take any shame as a guide to your unfulfilled desires. Whatever the phase your relationship is in, and even if you haven’t got one: sexuality is always a doorway into showing yourself more and living life more fully, in any area. Nobody else can do it for you – you are responsible for your own arousal!
Learn more about my vision of sex and Eros in my free e-book, ‘Five Principles for lasting fulfilment in your (love) life’. Download it HERE !
For more information about my work: www.reconnect-to-eros.com.