It is an illusion to think that the sex drives of two people will ever be the same. It is precisely in the mystery that the other person is so different from you that love can reveal itself. We all have our own unique desires and needs, our unique pain points and capacities as lovers. We often expect the other to fulfill all our desires and ‘make us happy’. Yet it is only when frictions start to happen that your relationship truly begins.

On your own feet

How can you take responsibility for your own happiness? Are you able to rejoice in yourself, find yourself beautiful, be proud of yourself and find joy in the things you do, independent from the other? Do you know what excites you and lifts you up in life? Are you capable of tolerating periods of emptiness?

As you become less dependent on the other for validation, you are less susceptible to feeling rejected or pressured. You’re standing more on your own feet, which is liberating for your partner as well. Now you can openly share with your partner that you feel dissatisfied and long for more connection, without expecting them to solve this for you. Your openness and sincerity can set in motion a rich and moving process of deepening mutual understanding.

Other options

This also opens the door for new possibilities. Therapists often focus on ‘together working on your relationship’. It is great when you are both open to this, but there is a risk that on a subconscious level, you keep expecting the other person that they should do or stop doing something. If you would like some guidance in this process, you are most welcome to reach out. I know this issue from my own experience.